- Law of more Life
- What you focus on grows
“The more you are, the more you can become, and the more you can become, the more you can yet be.”― Neale Donald Walsch, The Complete Conversations with God
Highs and lows. Do you ever feel you’ll never really reach the mark? That the deeds of one day don’t seem to prevent you to fall again?
How can we look at these steps back and forth?
About a month ago, I just had such an experience. I had just begun to get back in a flow of enjoying meeting people around where I live after many weeks of isolation. Even though Sweden has never been in full lockdown as many other parts of the world, there has been restrictions and I chose to stay more home in response to all that was going on.
So when I got invited by someone I met a couple of years ago for a diner, it felt really joyful to socialize more. We had diner and later in the evening the tone shifted from the trivial conversation to sexual advances.
Rather than obeying the cautious convention to deflect the advances, I stayed wondering what degree of intimacy I actually wanted with this person. At some point I felt a freeze – thoughts of what I want to express, more and more pressing inside my head that I can’t voice- while feeling contradictory feelings. I then remembered that I can step back and from a bit more distance, feel myself more and express what is going on for me.
So I did, and could communicate again. A positive step towards how I want to connect to others: In my sovereignty and ability to speak my truth.
The exchange continued and I experienced with delight moments of unconventional exploration of what is really true to me in the moment, exercising to share in the moment my observations and what I was open for or not. The delight was in the awareness that I was meeting this person from a sovereign place where my own yes and no where guiding me rather than the conditioning and societal rules and norms. I was completely out of charted territory and it felt really good.
As the evening when further, I needed to interrupt the interaction and went home. I knew he got surprised by the abrupt ending, but I chose to follow my intuition and body wisdom.
At home, as I looked back at the unfolding of the evening, I felt the wonder and awe of these moments of daring to step outside the lines and connect to my truth and desires and communicate that vulnerably, authentically in the moment. These steps were so welcome!
Later next day, the person came back to me wanting to hear some explanation on what happened. I first felt my joy of these for me amazing steps, but soon felt insecure to share this unconventional truth on how I enjoyed coming to my clarity the way I did. I felt the freeze come back, the scared part of me arising when my truth feels potentially dissonant with the other person’s feelings. As he left before I managed to find my ground and courage to share, this felt like a huge hurtful setback.
Gone was my joy, my pride. I just felt how hard I had fallen “again”.
A conversation with my coach cued me back to consider the victory, the steps, moments of sovereignty and authentic relating rather than focusing on the downfall later.
It took me one more week and a conversation with a friend to see the parallel of that story and what she described as her habit of beating herself to not know better yet though she was also aware that she was in a learning process.
At this moment it was so obvious: of course the steps that the toddler is taking are what deserves our celebration and attention – whether it’s one, two, or three before he falls again or more. The baby is taking the steps, managing them for the first time, progressing, getting up again and again until some day he masters going on his own two feet.
It wouldn’t occur to me to shout or scorn to a baby and tell her “See you fell again! You’re really worthless. You should know better by now”
From that moment I could clearly see that it was exactly the same for that incident – magnificent steps in relationship mastery to rejoice in – rather than taking score on the next misstep.
Celebrate each step – see the beauty – acknowledge the progress, remembering that mastery comes with repetition, implying many missteps along the road, none of them diminishing the value and validity of all the steps taken.
“I haven’t failed — I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”– Thomas Edison
Let go of beating yourself up and recognize the beauty and awe of you in your journey, always evolving, never done.
How are you relating to you success and failures?
Where to do you give your attention, your energy?
What would be available if you celebrated your steps?